Webster Canadians Salute You...

Now that the season is over its time for our annual Canadians salute.  Once again we will borrow the famous Budwiser commercial so be sure to sing the parentheses as you read aloud.  Enjoy.

Webster Canadians presents Real Men of Genius (Real Men of Genius).  Today we salute you Mr. weekend umpire as second job guy (Mr. weekend umpire as a second job guuuuyyy)

We know how hard you work during the week, but that won't stop us from heckling you like its Friday night at the Apollo (You really suck)

Despite your proclaimed love for the game, it is you who demands your payment at the start of the game (Show me the money)

It is you who changes the strike zone 17 times in a single game, first its a ball, than its a strike, than its a ball/strike (Can we get some consistency)

It is you who wants to chat about the last game you umpired (Did they hate you too?)

It is you who warns players about their language at the first sign of disagreement (He called me a cocksucker)

It is you who is at a loss for words when confronted with a bad call, but you always seem to utter the phrases:

• He beat the play 
• It caught the corner 
• We're not discussing this
• Enough 
• and the ever popular...yes I blew that one (that doesn't help us nooooowwwww...dick)

So crack open an ice cold beer Mr. Weekend umpire as a second job guy, because the next time you call someone safe after the ball beats him by 5 steps, remember the f-bombs could have been avoided if you just opened your eyes (Mr. weekend umpire as a second job guy)

Goodnite now.

THE CURES OF PARK AVE FEST STRIKES AGAIN!

It was first reported two years ago that the Canadians suffer from a Park Ave Curse.  Its a big conspiracy that some believe is true.  The fact is that league refuses to move the playoffs off of the popular weekend festival despite repeated requests from the team.  Conspiracy theorists believe is done intentionally to give the other teams a fair chance.  Those that witnessed the debauchery Saturday night know that its working.  Second, the league moved the Canadians off their home field despite winning on Saturday.  The result?  Dropped game one to the Cubs (again) 6-0 and game two to the Warriors 5-4.  Hey if excuses are like assholes and everybody's got one...here is our list

Witkowski - "I wore the wrong fucking hat...it was a Cubs hat, I had a lot on my mind"
Tomeno - "Are the umpires even watching the games?" 
Muoio - "I woke up and blew a 2.8 BAC...go fuck yourself.   I TEAR DOWN TENTS MOTHERFUCKER"
Ditrinco - "I developed a fracture in my foot because I had to carry Steve home"
Tuminelli - "I was in mourning for the fallen Navy Seals"
Garbarino - "Seeing Steve's dogs hump this morning really messed me up"
Kulumski - "I lost that ball in the sun"
Doyle - "Is that plate regulation size or what?"
Deuel - "I worked the Puerto Rican festival.  8 hours 14$ in tips."  
Eckler - "My wife is pregnant"  
Lambiase - "A 50 year old wanted to take me home last night...I passed and really needed a slump buster" 
Foos - "I got a new piercing on my cock"

Canadians Beat Warriors 10-7 in Thriller

Holy Cow!  Hey...if you were an umpire, and Bill Muoio came at you...would you shit your pants?  I know I would.

The Canadians won a close game on Saturday to advance into the second round of the winners bracket behind Steve Muoio's complete game 10H 7R 184 pitch outing.  However, the fireworks came after the Warriors missed the bean ball opportunity in the 6th on Canadian SS Mike Tomeno.  Then after the 3rd basemen was clearly indicated that he was Mikes #1 fan, a Canadian Fan turned into the Incredible Hulk.  Thankfully the umpire was wearing Depends so the game could continue after Bill took the walk to the car.

In the 7th one got away from Steve, and then one got tattoed over the LF wall.  Thankfully because of key hitting from Mick Tuminelli, Steve Muoio, and Charlie DiTrinco the Canadians had a big lead.

Here Come the Playoffs!

The Canadians finished the regular season with a loss that featured Eckler pitching, DiTrinco at SS, Tomeno in RF, and a 60 year old Catcher for the Braves.  Who cares, they made the playoffs as the #2 seed.  Oh and Abby is a ball hog.  See you next Saturday.

Overconfidence Sinks Canadians

Happy Fathers Day - Daddy!

Yes, He is wearing an NABA t-shirt

The Canadians were brought down to reality on Sunday as they lost to the Dogers 2-1 and 2-1 (8 innings).  Coach DiTrinco was banking on another All-Star performance from the only known father on the team...Jeff Eckler who went 0-4 3Ks.  Ouch.  So lets run down the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Lets start with the good. Canadians pitching performed admirably as they held the Dodgers to four runs all day.  Props to Ditrinco, Deuel, Doyle, and Lambiase, and Lou DiTrinco for grilling between games.  The bad; the Canadian offense was 7-61 on the day. A whopping .114 team BA. Wow. Somebody get these guys some tennis rackets.  Michael Jordan hit .202 for the Birmingham Barons for crying out loud.  Maybe that will bring the boys egos down just a bit.  The ugly; two words...Dan Witkowski. Now everybody has bad days, but he was 0-7 6Ks on the day.  I would normally recommend a "slumpbuster" but his girlfriend is waaaayyy to hot.  Pitchers beware, we expect Wit to have a huge day on Sunday, because he is in fact huuuuuuggggeeee like Billy Fuccillo.  How else could he pull tail while sporting the NABA t-shirt? (apologies to Bethany...you really have to think of these write-ups like the National Enquirer) 

Quote of the Day - Eckler drops the ball that would have thrown out the Dodger leadoff hitter by 3 steps.  Basic conversation occurs...and then - "So, I've stolen off guys that throw 1.7!"  So when did you play against Pudge Rodriguez in his prime?  

The Manatee Strikes Back - Canadians Improve to 6-0 with Sweep of Brewers

Those of you who follow the team closely (all six of you), know that this was a big series after last season.  The Brewers showed up in the league for the first time last season and had the audacity of defeating the Canadians in the post-season.  The team protested because the Brewers used not one, but two base-coaches and signs.  While the Canadians reserve their parents/girlfriends/wives as cooks and eye-candy, the Brewers actually have them keep score and film as if its the Road to Williamsport Tournament.  The Canadians answered with a sweep of 10-2, 3-1.

In game 1, Eckler broke up the no-hitter with drag but with should have been grounds to get a ball in the back his next time up (and for his real men of genius write-up last season).  The Canadians went on to score four in the inning and six in the 6th to put the Brewers away.

In game 2 Witkowski led the game off with a 3B, Tomeno singled, and DiTrinco drove them in. Then the team went on vacation, but it didn't matter as Ditrinco and Deuel held the brewers to 1R and 3H.

Who's Hot
Tomeno
DiTrinco
Foos' Girlfriend

Mad Libs - Mr. Baseball Mike Garbarino briefly quit the team before game one when being informed that he had two options...DH for game 1 or be traded to Japan.  Mike eventually came to his senses and we are all very glad he did.  Great guy, great person, great player.  However, I would not be doing my job if we didn't have a little fun with this one.  Feel free to fill his response in the comment section. Just copy and paste it and fill it in. 

Coach DiTrinco...Hey Mike do you want to DH game 1 or 2? 

Garbs: (expletive), (Adjective) Chuck. I paid (Noun).  If that's how its going to be then (expletive) you. (explative) NABA, I busted my (body part) all last season.  I'm (expletive) (adjective)!  I'm going to (place).  King Kong has got nothing on (adjective)!  

Quote of the week "Chuck should be called something, Walrus? No, Starfish? No, Chunk? Too easy, Lets keep it marine like...Manatee? Yes." - Andrew Kolumski

Canadians Improve to 4-0 with Sweep of Twins

Apparently the Buzz wanted to take on the big club and got a big lesson as the Canadians won 15-3, 13-0.  The offensive explosion had nothing to do with Ecker in the lead-off spot, but this writer happens to think its nice to see management treating veterans with respect.  May Joe Girardi can learn from watching Coach Ditrinco.  Did the Canadians run up the score...yes.  Was it done intentionally...probably.  They did steal 9 bases on the day.   Perhaps this team is getting a little too arrogant like the 1980 Russian Hockey team.  Next week is big as the Brewers come to town for some much wanted payback.  Still, on this day everybody seemed to have a big day and the nail in the coffin came when DiTrinco dropped a bomb in game 2.  After apologizing for passing gas, he then went yard.

Tomeno 2-3 4BB, 5R, 3SB 
Lambiase 3-6 4RBI
Ditrinco 4-8 5R, 5RBI, HR
Deuel 3-6 2R
Tumminell 4-7
5 Tied with 2
Eckler 1-5 RBI (the CF overran it by 10 steps behind 2B)